Happily Ever Now

Back in April there were a few weeks when the weather here in Maui was rainy, cloudy and what we call ‘cold’- below 70 degrees. James and I hadn’t been to the beach in WEEKS at one point (poor us right? :)) and were really ready for a dip in the ocean and some sunshine.

Finally, on a Sunday, the weather got back up to 80 something and we went to Kamaole I beach in Kihei. It’s a great beach because it’s clean, the sand is fine with few rocks, the break is gentle and it’s a long enough stretch to walk on.

After warming up on our towels, James and I started swimming with our goggles on in the clear ocean. He headed from the shallow area to the deeper, rocky side shore that juts out between Kamaole I and II. I saw the small splashes and movement of snorkelers in that direction. I followed just to get a peak of the fish.

I’d had the stomach flu just before this and just swimming was wearing me down. James went way out past the end of the rocky jut while I pattered above some colorful fish about half way out.

My breathing was heavier than I felt comfortable with and I still had to swim back to shore. I looked out to tell James I was headed back in, but I couldn’t get his attention by waving. I turned around to head back and then heard, “Jen!”

James said, “Sea turtle!”

I immediately dove down and swam out toward James with a burst of energy. He swam south around the rocky jut, following the turtle, as I swam toward him. I paused once briefly to catch my breath, then caught up to James.

Underwater, he pointed to the turtle who was down about 10 feet deep in 20 feet of water. Slowly, the turtle’s arms and legs moved forward then back…slowly. It looked like it was flying as it swam in the blue water. We swam behind him at a distance for a bit and then he disappeared into the blue.

James and I hugged each other and were both glowing from the beauty and magic of swimming with the turtle. We looked over to the shore and were all the way in front of Kamaole II. We decided to swim into that beach and walk back to our towels.

When we arrived back at our towels, I realized that for the entire swim I thought of nothing other than my immediate environment. I was a swimmer. I was the turtle. I wasn’t in my head worrying, trying to figure things out, or planning anything. From that presence I was gently led to my heart through experiencing the beauty and wildness of nature. I felt refreshed and rejuvenated and my heart was open.

Spending time in nature is a gentle way to get out of your head, stop fretting and to connect with the moment. When you take the time to step back and connect with something greater than yourself, you connect to your heart and open up to a depth of living that is greater than your problems.

Recently, one of many friends from high school contacted me on Facebook. Although it’s been well over a decade since we’ve seen each other, it was exciting to reconnect. When I was writing about my life to catch her up, I told her that James and I have been together for almost 2 years. Before this relationship, my longest committed romantic relationships lasted about six months.

Today I was reading A Return to Love and I came across this quote:

“Human relationships exist to produce love. When we pollute our relationships with unloving thoughts, or destroy or abort them with unloving attitudes, we are threatening our emotional survival.” ~Marianne Williamson in A Return to Love

The thing that I was doing over and over again in my relationships was being sharply on the look out for any signs of imperfection. I used to look at friends’ partners and pick them apart in my mind. I would judge the crap out of people and prevent myself from seeing the beauty in people and from connecting with that beauty.

I have no regrets from past relationships and I am grateful that I learned countless lessons from them. I have learned how to turn judgments into compassion, surrender control of the relationship again and again to the Universe, and open my heart to what is in each moment. These are practices that come easier some days than others.

With the recent inauguration of President Barack Obama and the new administration that is taking leadership in D.C., I am reminded that I can make a difference. By refraining from fueling the energy of fear and drama and choosing hope and possibility instead, space is being created to allow miracles.

When you feel fear of loss, fear of being lonely, fear of things not going the way you want, take a deep breath. Face the fear. Acknowledge the moment and accept where you are, what you can change and what you cannot. Reach out for support, take action, even if it’s simply doing something nurturing for yourself or another.

With non-attachment to any outcome tune into hope, even for just a moment…and let love in.

I’m writing this from Maui. James and I moved here after months of preparing. It’s been a vision of James’ for a while to live in Maui. He feels drawn to learn ancient Hawaiian healing and warm waters. Having grown up in rural Tennessee and lived in Central America, I love the flowing vibe of the tropics, the abundance of nature and the slower pace. Ahh.

We began reducing the amount of stuff we had last January when I moved to Mill Valley to live with James. The topic of Maui would come up often and eventually we decided we would move in spring of 2009 and then in November we moved the date to early January. The next few weeks were a whirlwind of selling furniture, donating stuff, sorting, purging, a two day moving sale and a long visit to the post office 3 days before Christmas.

After leaving the Bay Area we spent almost 2 weeks visiting with James’ parents in Kauai and traveling around O’ahu and arrived in Maui the 5th. It felt so good to finally be in Maui. (Though the ferry ride over wasn’t so pleasant. They say the waves were the worst ever for the ferry.) We are currently staying with friends of James’ family who we hadn’t met before and they are great. The weather is beautiful and warmer than the other islands we’ve visited. We’ve seen sunsets, whales, geckos, rainbows, tropical flowers galore, swam, rode bikes, hiked and done the tourist thing…and did I mention rainbows?

Now, in addition to going for bike rides, watching sunsets and checking out different parts of the island, we are putting energy into things like work, finding a home, paperwork, bookkeeping and the honeymoon phase of the move is over (although we do still live in Maui).

As we were gathering our stuff to go to the beach from the clothes line in the backyard, I started expressing little fears that had been building a bit here and there. What if we do…? What if we don’t…? This led to a long chain of fears, doubts, projections and other crap that oozed out on the way to the beach and then subsided just after James made a pile of balanced rocks and coral on the beach and just before the sun set.

James listened, but I felt an edge. There were little crinkles in the middle of his forehead and his eyebrows raised up more than usual as he listened. His breathing was less spacious and his lips were tighter than usual, yet he tried to listen as best he could.

As we were watching the sunset, I looked over and saw an entire row of people resting on the lava rock wall facing the ocean. I felt gratitude to be in a place where people stop and watch the amazing sunset.

I wrapped my gold sarong around me, stuck my feet in the sand and piled the sand around them as the breeze picked up. Looking at my feet in the sand, I made a decision to be fully in the moment, not in the past, not in the future, not in my head, but sitting in the sand, and I looked up at the sunset.

James was stacking what looked to be the top piece on his coral sculpture and I picked up a shell and handed it too him, nodding toward the stack of coral. He gently placed the shell on top of the top piece of coral.

Can it be that simple?

I believe it can. Breathe. Look around and see the beauty around you, feel the sand beneath you, and love the person next to you.

Everything begins from here.

Anger is a clue. A clue that a need is not being met. When it is present, listen.

Often people are afraid of anger because they’ve had bad experiences with it, such as being on either side of abuse, losing or hurting something or someone or a combo of all of the above. This may be obvious, but I’m going to say it anyway, anger is not violence. Anger is an emotion. On Abraham-Hicks’ Emotional Guidance Scale it’s on the way up from fear, powerlessness, depression, grief, guilt and unworthiness (and more). Why? Because at least you are feeling!

If a client has been in a funk of fear or depression or doubt, I encourage her to clarify what she doesn’t want and to ask questions about what she needs and we get to the bottom of what the anger is signaling. And when we get through that, there’s more energy to work with and it starts moving. At the bottom of the scale, there is depression and fear. It’s so easy to stay there. It’s like stagnant pool with not much happening. But anger is flowing and alive.

Many of us haven’t been taught how to be with, express or ‘manage’ anger. There’s no solution that’s right for everyone. The 3 tools and practices that follow are what I have found to be most effective:

1) Express it as soon as you feel it. If you shove it down it will build up and turn into Mount Vesuvius. What I’m talking about here is prevention of reactive outbursts, not controlling your emotions. Trying to ‘control’ anger is like trying to control the ocean. Talk to the person (see Happily Ever Now™ blog entry on Compassionate Communication for more about how), talk to someone else you trust, write about it about twice as long as you think you need and/or try tool 2 or 3.

2) Move your body. This is truly miraculous. When you feel angry simply move your body. The first time I experienced this I was triggered by someone who had triggered me daily for months and my new friend said, “Go jump on the rebounder.” Though reluctant to let go of my anger, I did it anyway and felt less tension and more light really quickly. One technique, called “joint play,” I learned from fellow relationship coach Cliff Haggerty who trained with Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks. While standing, you simply move your joints around in a goofy and simple way while you keep breathing. I like adding the expression of whatever noises want to come out. The first time I tried this during a fight with James, I simply went to the bathroom, did joint play and when I came back in the room the energy had shifted. It’s not always that effective, but it’s worth trying.

3) Talk to the anger. This only works if you are really in touch with it, you have a facilitator and/or you are really open to this idea. For some it’s a challenge for the ego to get into ‘talking to the anger.’ Sometimes anger is so old that it comes from a part of you that is so young that it doesn’t speak with words. To speak with it, start by asking it how old it is. Ask it why it’s angry and what it wants/needs/isn’t getting. Negotiate with it and create clear action steps. There’s a model of an effective voice-dialogue process in my ebook.

I know I’ve felt overwhelmed lately and I don’t even watch the news. A client just forwarded me this link and I’m glad to share it. It’s a preview of an ad that will run during the Olympics.

http://www.wecansolveit.org/page/invite/repoweramerica

Another sign of hope.

There are couples coming to our August 2nd workshop from Southern California and from the East Coast. These couples are so dedicated to their relationship that they are willing to travel that far to spend a day focused on their relationship and learning new practices and tools to support their future…and their Happily Ever Now. I’m so grateful to support them in their adventure together.

James and I traveled to L.A. a couple of weeks ago to attend a workshop (sexpassionandenlightenment.com) that forever changed the way we see relationship. We are integrating our learning and experience from that workshop into our next workshop August 2nd. This one-day workshop will be the juiciest and most solid we’ve given yet.

This will be the grand finale. It is the last one we are doing together. We are each simplifying our work lives and prioritizing our personal lives by focusing on our individual businesses rather than juggling 2 each.

If you haven’t attending our one-day workshop, don’t miss this opportunity. Visit http://happilyevernow.com/1_Day_Workshop.html to learn more or to register. To guarantee we impact as many people as possible with this final workshop, we are offering a 50% discount and some valuable gifts to support participants. E-mail or call me for the code. 415-887-4208, info(at)happilyevernow.com

When I backpacked Europe after college and years later when I traveled all over Central America I had the most amazing, miraculous and synchronistic experiences.

I met someone at a hostel in France and then saw them walk by as I was napping in a park in Venice 2 weeks later. I completed days of travel with a newly-made traveling buddy from the Bronx. As soon as we parted, I met another person on the bus who I traveled with for the next 2 days who had a friend with a hotel in the next town I was headed to.

It was a sort of ‘travel-flow.’ How come that doesn’t work in day-to-day life?

What if it can?

I asked myself, what is it that I have when I’m traveling that I don’t have in my day-to-day life? I thought of a few things…lots of time with little or no schedule, relaxation, surrender, and an intention to have fun, explore and an openness to adventure.

What if cultivating more synchronicity in your life is as simple as the following ideas:

-taking a different street than usual to a destination you commonly visit

-instead of your usual mocha with no whip cream, try a chai

-exercise at a different time of day or find a way to spice it up

-respond different than normal to a friend just to see what happens

-meander randomly and see what you find

-go early to an event and see who you’ll meet

-insert your ideas here

When there’s spaciousness, you are opening opportunity for miraculous surprises. Enjoy!

When you have conflict with some one you care about, it can be challenging to communicate with compassion. If you have ‘history’ or shared ‘baggage’ all kinds of involuntary expression can ooze out.

Below is a powerful method of communication to help clear out anything that may unconcsiously oooooze out before you dive in to the issue(s) at hand.
This teaching comes from from Thich Naht Hahn and it goes like this-

Sit comfortably side by side or facing each other directly (with nothing between you). One person at a time does the following:

1. Share 3 acknowledgements of the other person

2. Say 3 ways you are personally responsible for the situation

3. Share what is left

Another way(that can be combined with the way above) is to speak in 3rd person. For example, when I share with Sharon, I would be saying “When Sharon does…., I….”

One other thought as a way to start a conversation–see if the starting point can be each person describing where they think the other person is.  Basically an empathy exercise, and each person goes until the other person feels satisfied with the level of understanding the other has.

Let me know how it goes. jen@happilyevernow.com

Earlier this month I write an e-book called Happily Ever Now for Your Love Life. It’s all about clearing the past by acknowledging how it served you and turning all the crap you experienced into fertilizer to support you in moving forward with grace and ease.

Then, this weekend, at a workshop called Sex, Passion & Enlightenment, I learned something that has changed my relationship to the past and the present forever.

When you are in the moment, which is always where you are, you can choose love. If you are stretching your capacity to love, to receive, to give, stuff may come up from the past. You may have flashbacks of fear, you may feel closed off, but you can still choose love.

How you ask? Right now, choose love. Love your computer. Love the pen on your desk. Love your cell phone. Think of someone or a pet you love and allow that love to fill you.

Take a deep breath.

Now, choose love.

P.S. To receive a scholarship to a 4 hour Sex, Passion & Enlightenment workshop visit this link then use this code: 724782. Don’t do it unless you are ready to transform the way you see relationship forever.