Happily Ever Now

When you have conflict with some one you care about, it can be challenging to communicate with compassion. If you have ‘history’ or shared ‘baggage’ all kinds of involuntary expression can ooze out.

Below is a powerful method of communication to help clear out anything that may unconcsiously oooooze out before you dive in to the issue(s) at hand.
This teaching comes from from Thich Naht Hahn and it goes like this-

Sit comfortably side by side or facing each other directly (with nothing between you). One person at a time does the following:

1. Share 3 acknowledgements of the other person

2. Say 3 ways you are personally responsible for the situation

3. Share what is left

Another way(that can be combined with the way above) is to speak in 3rd person. For example, when I share with Sharon, I would be saying “When Sharon does…., I….”

One other thought as a way to start a conversation–see if the starting point can be each person describing where they think the other person is.  Basically an empathy exercise, and each person goes until the other person feels satisfied with the level of understanding the other has.

Let me know how it goes. jen@happilyevernow.com

Earlier this month I write an e-book called Happily Ever Now for Your Love Life. It’s all about clearing the past by acknowledging how it served you and turning all the crap you experienced into fertilizer to support you in moving forward with grace and ease.

Then, this weekend, at a workshop called Sex, Passion & Enlightenment, I learned something that has changed my relationship to the past and the present forever.

When you are in the moment, which is always where you are, you can choose love. If you are stretching your capacity to love, to receive, to give, stuff may come up from the past. You may have flashbacks of fear, you may feel closed off, but you can still choose love.

How you ask? Right now, choose love. Love your computer. Love the pen on your desk. Love your cell phone. Think of someone or a pet you love and allow that love to fill you.

Take a deep breath.

Now, choose love.

P.S. To receive a scholarship to a 4 hour Sex, Passion & Enlightenment workshop visit this link then use this code: 724782. Don’t do it unless you are ready to transform the way you see relationship forever.

I went to a San Rafael Chamber of Commerce Mixer this week. There was a raffle for half of the bucket of money which is based on how many people buy tickets.

I only bought one ticket because that’s all it takes to win. As the woman with the bucket put the ticket in my hand, my friend Sharon said, “Jen’s lucky. She’s going to win.” I thought to myself, “Cool, more than one person is wanting me to win. I have Sharon’s good ju-ju working for me to. I am going to win.”

As they were calling out the number for the $75 cash, I reached into my pocket to pull out my ticket. I couldn’t find it. Darn, I thought, it’s these shallow pockets in these dress pants. Then I remembered I put it in my back pocket so I wouldn’t loose it. I found it.

The first number they called out for the winning ticket was an 8. My ticket number began with a 2.

My friend Sharon won.

Want for others what you want for yourself.

Today I was meditating on the hillside behind our house. Our cat Tiger was lying in the shade from my body (a common occurrence). After a while I became distracted, kinda let my mind drift and then had an idea of what to focus on next for my work day. I turned toward my home to do the thing I was thinking about.

Tiger got up, ran in front of me, meowed loudly and basically corralled me. This he has never done before. I asked him what was up and he meowed again emphatically and maintained his ground. I started to walk around him and he jumped up and smacked his paw toward me.

Maybe I wasn’t done meditating afterall. So, I took a few steps back, closed my eyes, took a few moments to seal my connection with the Divine and took a few breaths. I felt clearer and more grounded. Then I mindfully walked toward my house and Tiger skipped along beside me down the hill.

I learned about Ho’oponopono sometime last year. I was recently handed a book by Dr. Joe Vitale and Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len, PhD, called Zero Limits.

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian ’system.’ It’s a teaching and it’s a healing process. Wikipedia defines it as “mental cleansing.”

Dr. Hew Len defines it in Zero Limits like this:

The Updated Ho’oponopono, is a process of repentance, forgiveness, and transmutations, is a petition to Love to void and replace toxic energies with its self. Love accomplishes this by flowing through the mind, beginning with the spiritual mind, the super conscious. It then continues its flow through the intellectual mind, the conscious mind, freeing it of thinking energies. Finally, it moves into the emotional mind, the subconscious, voiding thoughts of toxic emotions and filling them with itself. p. 67

I’ve been using it this week more than I ever imagined I might need to. Anytime I feel uncomfortable, jealous, judgmental, angry, or bitter, I do the practice. I say the following to the part of me that is creating the experience: I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I do this slowly. And I breathe while I’m doing it.

And tonight I was sitting at the dinner table with my partner James and I noticed myself feeling fear about some little detail not being perfect on the table. I realized that my fear of things not being perfect is really a fear of being punished. And while this might stem from corporal punishment in my home growing up and in my school (I grew up in rural Tennessee), now that fear is projected on god.

My perfectionism is about my fear of the wrath of god.

To the part of me that creates my god as a judgmental, wrathful big white guy in the sky, I love you. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that I create my god. God is in me. After 11 years of releasing my Southern Baptist faith, I’m still a recovering Christian.

Organizing can be dreadful unless you are inspired to do it. The biggest challenge I hear from people is “I don’t have time.” What this really means is that you’d rather do other things or you don’t have a big enough reason to do it. One of my favorite quotes is ‘pain pushes until vision pulls.’ Why do you want to get organized? Ask yourself that question a few times to see what the deeper reason is.

I admit that I get a kick out of organizing, but there are things in life I’d rather be doing, like spending time outdoors or reading. What I find is that when I’m organized I spend less energy stressing about what I’m not doing and I have more time to do the things I love. When you start doing what you say you will, it feels good. So, how do you get inspired?

If you are trying to make yourself do it and that’s not working (it rarely does), and you still have a desire to get it together, remember the reason why you really want to get organized. What is one thing that you have been ‘meaning to do?’ Instead of stressing about not doing it, schedule time for it a few weeks out when you have space for it. Later is better than never. The energy you save by having it scheduled rather than judging yourself may be enough to do something else you love!

I just got off the phone with a client who has only take 2 days off out of the past 2 months. Generally, my coaching style is to draw out of my clients what it is they want to do to support their lives and business, however in this case, I found myself turning into a protective mama bear. I highly encouraged him to take a break.

Maybe it’s because I just spent 3 days with late nights completing my ebook Happily Ever Now for Your Love Life. I found myself at the computer working last night at 9:00pm after a 90 minute teleseminar wanting to cry just from the sight of my computer. I was exhausted.

Despite all of this, I still found it challenging to “BACK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!” This is a phrase that was popularized when I lived with 2 other entrepreneurs.

What happens if you don’t take time off?

1. Your productivity sinks and you putz around because your brain needs a break from linear thinking.
2. You are so emotionally disturbed that you created drama with your computer (or with people.)
3. Your body hurts and your vitality decreases. (a.k.a. You feel like crap.)
4. Your relationships suffer because your relationship with yourself is abusive.
5. Your stress level increases so much that when you do take a break, you fall apart.

How to BACK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!

1. Use a timer. This is a tip from my friend Sharla Jacobs. You focus solidly during work on one project and then, when the timer speaks, you stop. You can use the timer for your break as well.
2. Commit to one 30-60 minute fun break every day. Could be hanging out with a friend, walking, dancing, taking a bath, etc.
3. Schedule time for eating. This also means scheduling time for traveling to and from eating or prep and clean up time. If you’re one who forgets to eat, be sure to remind yourself with an alarm or the accountability of a lunch date.
4. Have a check-in/accountability buddy with another entrepreneur or colleague. Use this to focus your priorities, acknowledge what you accomplish, share how you are nurturing your life outside of work and good old joy from connecting with another.
5. Commit to a minimum of a certain number of days or half days off per week or per month.
6. When you find yourself putzing around and being unproductive, BACK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!
7. Recognize that the things you are committed to doing for work will get done more efficiently when all of you is taken care of and completely in the moment.

You have your own preferences, quirks and habits. Take one step and try it for a week.

This is an excerpt from my new ebook, Happily Ever Now for Your Love Life.

No one I know has Happily Ever After. That’s the last page of the book, the last screen shot of the movie, and it’s the end of the story. That’s Hollywood. What about the rest of their lives? How about some reality please?

That fairy-tale image leaves out important ingredients that support a relationship to grow in love and strength. I’ve learned that I can use moments of doubt, challenge, and emotional upheaval to create more connection. These are signs that the relationship is going deeper and as it does, old issues that were buried down deep come to the surface to clear out. This makes room for more expansive experiences of love and ecstasy.

When you know how to deal with the stuff coming to the surface, it makes the process of expansion a lot easier. In this book, you will learn exercises to support you in clearing out old emotional stuff so you are clearer and more open. You will also increase your awareness of what your ‘buttons’ and patterns are in relationship so you can move toward responding to them consciously rather than reacting out of fear or habit.

This new awareness will support you in preparing for a new kind of relationship or approaching your current relationship with more love, clarity and a greater sense of self.

To learn tools, practices and skills to support you to move through times of challenge in relationship and come out the other side more deeply connected; I invite you to attend a Happily Ever Now workshop. James & I offer workshops as a way to share the “how to” that helps us ride the roller coaster adventure of conscious relationship.

The idea of wanting our relationship to be like it was when we first started dating is not appealing because it is now so much more alive, deep, and passionate than it has ever been. How would you like to experience a relationship that gets better and better through every joy and every challenge?

This is not a Happily Ever After picture. I’m not saying you’ll be happy all the time. I am saying that it is possible to consciously create your relationship and ride the waves of the ups and downs.

You deserve a relationship beyond your dreams that transcends the elusive myth of Happily Ever After!

Recently my partner James wiped away some cob webs from his vision board. I laughed. Then later while lying in bed I was looking at the four huge and beautiful vision boards on the wall across from me. We have a total of 10 in our home.

Sometimes I get exhausted by wanting all that stuff all the time. That vacation to Bali, haven’t seen it yet. That new house, not there. A new Queen size bed, not today.

We came so close to getting a new bed today. Someone James knows had a California King sized bed that they barely used before they replaced it for some reason. So, it was ours.

Then we got a phone call that said the guy was on his way over to deliver it and the bungee cords popped loose and the bed went tumbling along the freeway.

It was bigger than we were wanting anyway.

I want to create a gratitude board. Then I can focus on what I’m grateful for rather than on what I don’t have yet. Maybe I’ll be more patient for the things on my vision board after I create my gratitude board…or maybe 10 of them.

During the past 3 weeks, I experienced a very intense growth spurt in a few areas of my life.

During that time James was absolutely amazing. In the midst of supporting me on an almost daily basis, he’s also been teaching more than usual, seeing clients and is a bit burned out. Just as he watched me experience a lot of discomfort and even pain recently, now I get to watch him withdraw and rest. At the moment he is napping in our bedroom.

My inner control freak projects on him that he wants attention. As a woman who almost always wants loving attention when I feel down, I want to go to him, to nurture him and to do anything but leave him alone. Yet, I know what he really wants is to be with himself. John Gray calls this withdrawing going into ‘the cave.’

In my past relationships when men began to withdraw, I made it about me. What did I do wrong? What could I do to make them happy? I was basically asking, “How is this my fault and how can I ‘fix’ it?” I believe this is called codependency.

I noticed myself doing that last night with James, asking him “What’s wrong?” When I realized that he needs space, I was able to back away without getting defensive. I didn’t ‘make myself wrong’ for my recent experiences or blame him for helping me ‘too much.’

I was ‘triggered’ a bit though. There haven’t been many times in our relationship where we weren’t super open and connected to each other. And since I haven’t done the long term relationship thing very much (this is my longest committed relationship ever at 14 months), I’m not used to riding the waves of live with another.

My past relationships were so short that we didn’t go beyond the honeymoon phase or when we got past that we broke up (usually I did this, being a perfectionist in all, I wouldn’t settle for anything but happily ever after all the time). This created a lot of heartache and a lot of learning.

I’m learning to do the day-to-day thing with someone I love and to ride the waves of our lives and our relationship. I’m learning to surf…tandem.