Happily Ever Now

Anger is a clue. A clue that a need is not being met. When it is present, listen.

Often people are afraid of anger because they’ve had bad experiences with it, such as being on either side of abuse, losing or hurting something or someone or a combo of all of the above. This may be obvious, but I’m going to say it anyway, anger is not violence. Anger is an emotion. On Abraham-Hicks’ Emotional Guidance Scale it’s on the way up from fear, powerlessness, depression, grief, guilt and unworthiness (and more). Why? Because at least you are feeling!

If a client has been in a funk of fear or depression or doubt, I encourage her to clarify what she doesn’t want and to ask questions about what she needs and we get to the bottom of what the anger is signaling. And when we get through that, there’s more energy to work with and it starts moving. At the bottom of the scale, there is depression and fear. It’s so easy to stay there. It’s like stagnant pool with not much happening. But anger is flowing and alive.

Many of us haven’t been taught how to be with, express or ‘manage’ anger. There’s no solution that’s right for everyone. The 3 tools and practices that follow are what I have found to be most effective:

1) Express it as soon as you feel it. If you shove it down it will build up and turn into Mount Vesuvius. What I’m talking about here is prevention of reactive outbursts, not controlling your emotions. Trying to ‘control’ anger is like trying to control the ocean. Talk to the person (see Happily Ever Now™ blog entry on Compassionate Communication for more about how), talk to someone else you trust, write about it about twice as long as you think you need and/or try tool 2 or 3.

2) Move your body. This is truly miraculous. When you feel angry simply move your body. The first time I experienced this I was triggered by someone who had triggered me daily for months and my new friend said, “Go jump on the rebounder.” Though reluctant to let go of my anger, I did it anyway and felt less tension and more light really quickly. One technique, called “joint play,” I learned from fellow relationship coach Cliff Haggerty who trained with Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks. While standing, you simply move your joints around in a goofy and simple way while you keep breathing. I like adding the expression of whatever noises want to come out. The first time I tried this during a fight with James, I simply went to the bathroom, did joint play and when I came back in the room the energy had shifted. It’s not always that effective, but it’s worth trying.

3) Talk to the anger. This only works if you are really in touch with it, you have a facilitator and/or you are really open to this idea. For some it’s a challenge for the ego to get into ‘talking to the anger.’ Sometimes anger is so old that it comes from a part of you that is so young that it doesn’t speak with words. To speak with it, start by asking it how old it is. Ask it why it’s angry and what it wants/needs/isn’t getting. Negotiate with it and create clear action steps. There’s a model of an effective voice-dialogue process in my ebook.